He Bad Touched My Good Tea Set
by Tomato Of Liberty
Summary: It had all seemed like fun and games until they brought up virginity and Prussia happened to have a stereo...


Hey! This is my first fanfic, so, um, go easy on me! owo; I wrote about half of this at school, actually - it was really kind of funny. XD We had a sub that day, and usually, our stalker of a teacher uses her disturbing program that can pull up any of our computers screens on her screen, (it's super scary. DX She can send us little messages, too.) but since the sub didn't know how to use it, I was able to write whatever I wanted without getting caught. c: Hence, I wrote this. It's unexplainable, really, but I hope you enjoy it~!

* * *

**He Bad-Touched My Good Tea Set**

"China, you have a fetish for panda suits?!"

Immediately, the conference room fell silent as all eyes fell upon China. It had been America that had screamed the question, (of course, who _else_ could it have been?) yet it seemed as though everyone else was asking the same thing.

The nation in question that had been shouted at was sinking lower and lower in his seat, face turning the same shade as the red mandarin jacket he wore. Next to him, Japan was inching farther and farther away, much to Turkey's delight. However, after a brief, furious glance from Greece across the table, the Mediterranean nation's smirk was wiped from his face and all thoughts of sexual advances lost from his mind.

There was a terrible awkward silence for the space of about five minutes (of course, Canada continued yammering quietly in the background about polar bear conservation, but nobody was listening) before someone spoke. To everyone's surprise, it was Lithuania.

"So _you_ were the one next to me on the couch that day!" He cried, face flushed with embarrassment and indignation. At this, Russia gave a quiet chuckle, and placed a gloved hand upon the shoulder of his favorite Baltic, causing the brunette to launch into terrified shudders.

"Nyet, Lietuvos, that was me!" He said delightedly, violet eyes filled with obvious pride. This caused a ripple of disgusted expressions to spread around the table, as horrible,horrible thoughts of the things Russia would do in a panda suit filled everyone's minds. In fact, Latvia fainted, causing Estonia to give a trademark scream of "LATVIAAAA!"

Everyone's attention was brought back to the subject at hand as a quiet cough was heard, and all heads turned to Austria.

"He's not the only one to have strange… _interests_." He murmured the last word, face flushing as Hungary sent a devious smirk his way.

"HA! God knows what crazy shit you're into, aristocrat!" Prussia cried from the other end of the table, banging a fist on the polished wood, causing his brother to flinch.

"Aniki, sit _down!" _Germany hissed, tugging the ex-nation's shoulder and pulling him back into his seat.

"I-I'm not implying that _I _enjoy such vulgar acts," Austria continued, apparently oblivious to the Prussian's comments, "I'm simply stating that China's opinions aren't that strange compared to the other goings-on of… of the bedroom." He finalized, giving a dignified nod and sitting back down, causing an uproar of laughter from the Nordic end of the table.

"AS IF, AUSTRIA!" Denmark cried, his face flushed with hysterics.

"Shut up, damn it." Norway hissed, crystalline eyes narrowed. However, the Dane was oblivious to the younger's words.

"You say that like you've never had sex! I mean, come on, none of us here are virgins, and we all know it!" Denmark snorted, propping his feet up on the table to lean back in his chair.

Immediately, a couple of the younger nations stood up, including Romano, who screamed,

"I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M A VIRGIN, NO MATTER WHAT SPAIN SAYS!" He cried indignantly, his face a dark crimson.

"But, Romano," Spain whined, his lips forming a pout. "Lying's a sin!"

"Shut up, damn it!" Romano hissed, wheeling around to slap the Spaniard upside the head. "That one time did _not_ count!"

England, however, was not concerned with the goings-on of certain nations in denial. He was more concerned as to why his little brother, Sealand, was not stating the fact that he was a virgin.

"SEALAND!" He cried, causing everyone's heads to turn. "Why the hell didn't you say you were a virgin?!"

Immediately, the young Brit's eyes (and eyebrows) perked up, and he leapt to his feet screaming, "Of course Sea-kun's not a virgin! I've kissed a girl on the lips!"

England very nearly banged his head on the table.

"Sealand, mon cher," France said, placing a hand on the young micronation's head, "Sex is not simply a sign of affection, such as a kiss." He explained, and even blew a kiss to Seychelles as an example, causing the girl to give a furious snarl.

"Sex is… it's a sign of commitment, of passion!" The Frenchman explained, giving dramatic hand gesticulations as though to prove his point further. Spain gave a knowing laugh at the word 'passion', and France flashed him a wink. Romano looked on in confusion.

"But, like, I once saw that jerk England doing things to America... what was that?" Sealand questioned. Immediately, England's face turned a bright shade of red, and America wrapped an arm around his shoulder, smiling proudly.

"Haha! Well, now! We call this the act of mating!" France said with a flourish, roses suddenly popping up all around his head, causing everyone to jump a bit with shock. Where had /those/ come from? Oh, he was France; he could do all sorts of crazy shit.

"But, there are several other very important differences between human beings and animals that you should know about!" He said, pointing a knowing finger at Sealand before crying, "HIT IT, PRUSSIA!"

Immediately, said German pulled a boombox from… well, out of nowhere, really, (much to Germany's surprise, for he gave a shocked yelp of, "ANIKI, WHAT THE-") and mashed the play button.

And a _very_ familiar song began coursing through the conference room.

Jumping onto the table, (which bent inwards slightly, giving a creak and eliciting a wince from England) France proceeded in tearing his clothes off, leaving only a… several occupants of the conference room gave lurches as their breakfasts threatened to come up.

Was that a Speedo patterned with the French flag? And was it… _moving_ _in time_ with the music?

"I'd appreciate your input." France whispered breathily and… well, seductively towards Sealand, who was smiling like an idiot, before continuing to… _dance_. It looked more like mimed sex.

England swore that he heard someone barf. Meanwhile, Prussia was smiling widely, almost evilly, as he watched his… _friend_ dance. However, finally, the Frenchman began to… OhmyGodwashereallysinging?

"Sweat, baby, sweat, baby, sex is a Texas drought!" The blond cried, pointing to America's glasses before dramatically fanning himself, the owner of Texas in question giving a delighted giggle. England facepalmed.

"Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about! So, put your hands down my pants," At these words, the Frenchman shoved his hands between his legs and did a horrible bump-and-grind move, causing England to stiffen with disgust. "And I'll bet you'll feel nuts!" France continued, waltzing around – still in his shoes, mind you – and pointing towards various terrified nations.

"Yes, I'm Siskel, yes, I'm Ebert, and you're getting two thumbs up!" With those words, he flashed two thumbs up in the direction of Ukraine, who gave a startled gasp, her face flushing. France gave a devious smile, making an obscene gesture about… female anatomy before continuing to sing.

"You've had enough of two-hand touch, you want it rough, you're out of bounds!" He leapt over to Latvia, who had just recovered from his fainting spell earlier, causing the young Baltic to cry out and collapse once more, eliciting another screech of his name from Estonia.

"I want you smothered; want you covered, like my Waffle House hash browns!" France sang, making an obscene rubbing gesture at both Canada and Belgium at the same time, causing the two blonds to flush. Canada immediately began to picture what exactly France meant by 'smothered and covered', while Belgium snarled angrily, folding her arms over her chest and grumbling about the disgrace to Belgian cuisine.

"Come quicker than FedEx, never reach an apex, just like Coca-Cola stock you are inclined to make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time!" With these words, he pointed towards America's cup of soda (obviously enough, it was a regular Coke – this fact delighted the American greatly, and he smiled like a child experiencing their birthday for the first time) before gesturing towards Prussia and Spain, the two nations jumping up onto the table to join the Frenchman.

"Do it now!" Prussia cried, waving his arms in a gesture to the entire conference room as France started in on the chorus, with Spain providing back-up vocals.

"You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!" They sang, with France motioning towards a disgusted Seychelles, and Spain wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at a _very_ angered and embarrassed Romano, the latter crying out, "GOD DAMN IT, _NO_!"

"Do it again, now!" Prussia called, pointing towards his friends, who gladly obliged, and repeated the chorus.

"You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!"

"Gettin' horny now!" The Germanic nation cheered, and the three of them clumped together to form some obscene miniature mosh pit, much to the chagrin of every dignified nation at the table. Romano was resisting the urge to scream, his face turning the shade of… well… what else - a tomato.

The trio continued to shimmy and shake – causing what England presumed was the contents of many stomachs to be expelled – until the next verse started, and somewhere, he was sure, a litter of puppies spontaneously combusted.

This was more than just shameful – it was a crime against humanity.

"Love," France crooned, his tongue doing some sort of nasty, ice-cream cone dance at poor, innocent little Finland, causing Sweden to snarl quietly under his breath.

"The kind you clean up with a mop and bucket," And cue a horrible pantomime of what most would consider a janitor with terribly loose morals. God, he looked like he was doing a pole dance on the invisible mop. For once in his life, England was tempted to cover his eyes.

"Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it!" With those words, France humped the air around the ever-expressionless Egypt's head, the African nation simply blinking in confusion. Turkey, however, abandoned his advances on Japan at the sight of France doing the unspeakable to one of his former territories. "Oh, hell no!" He cried, and launched himself forward in an attempt at strangling the Frenchman, only to fall in an un-phased Egypt's lap. With a chuckle, France waltzed away, and continued strangling a goose – or, as some called it, singing.

"Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas, but I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means 'small craft advisory'!" The blond winked at Egypt one more time (eliciting a snarl of rage from the still embarrassed Turkey – he was having trouble getting up off the smaller nation's lap) before shaking what his mother gave him at Sealand, who had been staring the whole time in delight and awe.

"So, if I capsize on your thighs high tide, B-5, you sunk my battleship," France crooned, spreading his legs and doing some horribly accurate imitation of what it would look like getting his thighs and vital regions waxed right in front of poor China, who was still mortified by the whole panda suit fetish reveal.

"Please turn me on; I'm Mister Coffee with an automatic drip!" At this point, France grabbed the pot of coffee (England thought regrettably – 'Why did I have to listen to America, damn it?! Why did I have to put out coffee instead of tea?! _Why_?!') And… well… let's just say that if he _did_ get his vital regions waxed, the person doing the waxing would find… burns.

"So, show me yours," An obscene gesture towards Seychelles, " I'll show you mine," two fingers pointing towards said scalded reproductive organs, and a resulting cry of rage from Seychelles, "YOU DAMN FRENCH BASTARD, GET THE HELL OFF THE TABLE!" For the moment, England admired the girl, but was quickly distracted by France's crotch being jammed in America's face.

Oh, _hell_ no.

"'Tool Time', you'll Lovett just like Lyle," A few pelvic thrusts later, America was smiling like an idiot; France was grinning in a… well… _French_ way, and England was staring, open-mouthed, amazed that America was finding some sick pleasure out of all of this. Oh, he'd get a stern talking-to later. One that involved a serious lack of actual talking, and more… tongues in mouths. Yeah. That'd show him!

"And then, we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch 'X-Files'!" France cried, running back over to Finland (the table was audibly complaining now) and snatching up poor Hanatamago and doing… well, miming a few unspeakable acts to the poor beast. God, how far would this French bastard go? Finland cried out in disgust and horror, Sweden simply… well… stared, and everyone else made noises of discontent. Well, except Prussia and Spain, who looked like they were attempting to make children in the middle of the table, much to Romano's chagrin. Well, like, not that he'd admit that, of course… not like _he_ wanted to make babies with Spain… yeah. Because that's impossible. Ahem. Yes.

"Do it now!" Prussia called once more, breaking away from his and Spain's little 'session' to return to doing… whatever the hell it was they had been doing before, which almost looked like the ritualistic slaughtering of a kill after a hunt.

"You and me, baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!" The three of them chanted in time with the stereo while everyone watched, open-mouthed. Was this even _legal_?

"Do it again now!" Spain cried, his gaze flashing over to Romano, who was speechless with horror, rage, and embarrassment. He'd get a nice talking-to later as well. Yeah… but… less tongue, more… um. Nevermind. I mean, not that Romano _wanted_ to do any of that stuff. Ahem. Yes.

"You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!"

Catching some movement out of the corner of his eye, England was thankful for a reason to tear his eyes away from the trio gettin' down and dirty in the middle of that poor, abused conference table. However, what he saw horrified him just as badly.

"AMERICA!" He hissed, for the bespectacled blond was swaying in time to the (admittedly infectious) synthesizer beat, his lips moving soundlessly along with the lyrics. The other nation caught his gaze, and his lip sync got more and more distinct (and, notably, more and more obscene) as he stared at England, a smile playing on his lips. His face becoming more and more flushed at the obvious implications behind America's words, the Brit gave an indignant snort and turned back to the little… 'show', just in time for Prussia to call out, "Gettin' horny now!" Real nice to know, Prussia, real nice.

The trio continued to repeat the chorus a few times, killing several more litters of puppies and causing several more cookies to be tossed. England felt sorry for the poor janitor in the place – and, of course, unwillingly, the image of France as a janitor popped into his mind. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, go away! Of course, there were several hip-grindings at various nations, intricate dances done with tongues as they mouthed the words, (mostly from Spain to Romano – for once, England felt sorry for the poor bastard.) and just… well… general obscenity.

Finally, – _FINALLY _– the song ended, causing Prussia to pout and Spain to whine. Romano gave a not-so-subtle fist pump (however, his face was redder than anyone's). France, however, took it in stride, and pulled his clothes back on, going calmly back to sit next to Sealand. Draping his arm around the younger boy, – oblivious to the carnage and mental scarring that he had created with his little 'educational video' – he asked, "Does that answer your question, mon chere?"

Sealand nodded profusely, his hat bobbing. "Yup! Sea-kun's a virgin…" He pouted, looking so genuinely heartbroken that you couldn't help but feel sorry for him. The kid's face was practically an aphrodisiac in and of itself – it made you /want/ to have sex, it was so innocent. France obviously thought that, however, he took it a completely different direction.

"Well, France-nii-san can change that, oui?" He gave a leering grin, and England immediately leapt onto the poor, shattering table and cried, "OH, _HELL_ NO, FRANCE! YOU ARE _NOT_ FUCKING MY LITTLE BROTHER!"

After a brief scuffle, during which Sealand cried and fled to his 'parents' – Sweden and Finland accepted him with open arms, while Hanatamago whimpered in the corner from the memory of losing her innocence – France walked away with a bruised body and ego. Immediately, Prussia flocked to his side, barking out empty threats about beating England to a pulp.

England escaped mostly unscathed, however, a small scratch on the side of his face caused much embarrassment with America – did he really _have_ to lick it? God…

After that… interruption, Germany struggled to keep the meeting flowing – Canada stood up to continue his speech, but was immediately ignored. However, it took a few minutes for everyone to notice – someone was missing. They all looked around, trying to find who was gone, when, suddenly, Greece and Japan crawled out from under the table, each looking at the same time quite pleased and yet… unkempt. They flashed each other quick, knowing smiles, and Turkey immediately cried, "WAIT, WHAT THE HELL?!"

After the short battle that ensued, - England swore he had heard… was… was that a horse neighing? Eh, probably Poland and that damn pony he brought everywhere. – all finally seemed settled. Everyone was in their seats, all was calm, Hello Kitty Band-Aids had been properly distributed to those who needed it. Ah, finally, the meeting could continue. Ah, no, wait, there was _another_ pair of people missing.

And who else could it be but Spain and Romano?

Rolling his eyes, Germany said, "Alright, who wants to go look for them?" Immediately, France raised his hand, looking utterly joyful at the prospect of finding them doing something less than innocent. With a snort, Germany ignored him, and offered, "Anyone else?"

Now, England _would_ have volunteered, (being the good nation he was) but he was currently distracted by America's hand on his thigh. Why it was there, England had no idea, all he knew is that it was fucking _distracting_!

At last, Russia stood up; – another shudder rippled through everyone – holding Lithuania tightly by the wrist, the smaller nation practically dangling like a rag doll.

"We'll go!" The blond cried. Lithuania gave only a whimper – everyone took that as a sign of agreement. Germany nodded. "Be quick about it, or we'll continue without you."

"YAY!" Russia gave a squeal of delight, and rushed out of the room, Lithuania in one hand, faucet pipe in the other. If one listened closely, you could hear the sound of Belarus' teeth gritting together, and her nails tearing at the leather of her chair.

England prayed Lithuania would make it back alive.

"Alright, now… where were we?" Germany asked, straightening his stack of papers. Immediately, America sprung up, – thank God, he took his hand off England's thigh – waved his arms around excitedly, and cried, "Why does China have a fetish for panda suits?!"

At once, a buzz of conversation washed over the room, and America gave a snort of triumph, his hands on his hips. For the second time that day, England facepalmed.


End file.
